The ups and downs of motherhood

Today was one of those days where I was questioning God's reasoning behind making me a mother. I mean, I know God won't ever give me more than I can handle, but today certainly pushed the envelope.

For starters, she woke up crying last night around 2am and wouldn't go back to sleep. Later on today my mom and I deduced that it was because I dropped night feedings (since her dentist recommended it to prevent this almost-cavity she has from being a bonafide cavity). I did this at the beginning of the week, and she's been fine...until last night. I gave in and let her sleep with us attached to me for the rest of the night. Needless to say, hubby and I did not get much sleep last night.

This morning she wasn't eating much, just nursing a lot, which put me behind schedule. I was trying to get all my work together for my boss while printing out invitations for this shower I've been posting about. I ended up being an hour and half late to my boss' place, and cancelling a meeting I had planned with the mommy-to-be of said shower so we could address and mail out the invites. My hubby laid in bed all morning because he chooses to not figure out how to function without 8 whole hours of sleep. He finally got up to take his usual half-hour shower because I told him we had to run errands today. Please pray for him to turn into a morning person. Thanks.

We went to my parents' house late in the morning (so my mom could notarize a document for my boss) where N cried every time she saw me. It was really making me jittery and stressed. Hubby drove me to my boss' house which gave me the opportunity to vent in the car ride. That totally helped. My hubby has so much patience because I vent to him all of the time, and he always has some uplifting thing to say in response. He's the best. Even if he does take showers three times the length of mine.

I was feeling better when we got home from all the errands. N was super tired so I made her lay down with me in my bed. Instead of trying to sleep, she decided to crawl all over me, kick me, head-butt me, coo and giggle, and nurse. I was tolerating all of it until she pulled away from my breast while still being latched on. The only way I can describe what she did to me was her mouth was an itty-bitty suction cup on me and it was yanked away. Well, that did it. She went to her bed. I was so mad at her. Right about that time hubby had to go to work. I was left alone listening to N scream her guts out in her bed as I picked up the living room to start on cleaning the house for company tomorrow. For some reason, I clean when I'm mad. Go figure.

The screaming was getting worse, so I knew something was wrong. I came into her room and sat on her bed. She calmed right down and we just stared at each other. She wasn't coming near me and I wasn't coming near her. Finally, I gave in and started rubbing her back. She kept pointing to the dining room table and then I remembered that she only ate like 5 spoonfuls of baby food at lunch. Oh my goodness, I've been starving my child! Immediately, I put her in her high chair and gave her so many yummy morsels of food she loves to eat. She ate half of everything, which is pretty darn good for her! I put some music on and started dancing around the table. N was dancing in her chair. It was so cute. I picked her up and we danced together. She loved it. I loved it. Life was good.

I then felt adventurous. I decided to put N in her high chair next to the kitchen counter so she could watch me make some sugar cookies. With my back turned to her for 2 minutes, she managed to grab the stick of butter on the counter and eat a fourth of it. I freaked out! I had more butter, but that just wigged me out. After getting uber antzy in her chair, I put her down to finish the cookies. Fifteen minutes or so later, she walks up to me and gives me the portable wipes container. I took it from her and then my heart went into my stomach--it was empty. A half-full container of organic wipes had been pulled out and scattered all over the living room floor. They were all ruined. In addition to that, the living room floor was just like it was before I cleaned it. It was like I hadn't done a thing.

Thankfully, that was the last crazy episode with her today. After dinner, we took a stroll to the mailbox. She was being so cute looking at all of the flowers and plants along the path. She even climbed all the way up our complex staircase to our front door! Boy was she quick, too! She amazes me.

I decided to stay with her while she fell asleep in her bed--I just sat in the glider and pretended to be asleep. She was a lot calmer with me in the room. She was sitting up in her crib trying not to give in to her sleepiness. She started sucking her thumb and swaying back and forth and nodding off, yet fighting it all the way. Finally, she laid down and went to sleep. It was so adorable, it took a lot of effort for me not to chuckle at her.

So, at the end of the day I realized why God made me a mother--to grow closer to Him through her: with her curiosity, her taste for adventure, her cute moments, and her not so cute moments. He's showing me just how good of a person I can be by taking care of her, learning from her, having patience with her, and growing with her. God made me a mother because this is what was chosen for me to better live in His presence, together with His Son, my Savior. I thank God for my vocation and look to my Savior's Mother for guidance.

I guess today wasn't so bad after all.

God is good.